The Bernard L. Pacella, MD Parent Child Center

Resources: Authors

GAIL SALTZ, MD

Author of: BECOMING REAL: Defeating The Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back

Dr. Saltz is the Mental Health Contributor to The Today Show. She is a member of The New York Psychoanalytic Institute and on the faculty of the Weill Medical College of Cornell University. She is a contributing editor for Glamour magazine and has appeared on many television shows, including the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Dr. Saltz writes:

“It turns out that in our development as people, timing is everything. Disappointments and frustrations that we absorb handily at one age can deck us at another. Each story is born when we don't have an emotional need fulfilled or when a natural expression of who we are gets frustrated. We are all born with certain urges that must be attended to. I like to think of these as the primary colors of emotional needs. If we peel away all the layers of experience in our lives, at the core we will find the same four needs:

The need to attach
The need to be allowed to become individuals
The need to express ourselves
The need to be seen for who we are with acceptance (also known as attunement)”

These ideas are crucial to keep in mind when we raise our children. Parents have an almost impossible job — to allow their children to feel secure and attached while at the same time allowing them, when the time is appropriate, to become their own individuals. In all childrearing, parents and children will inevitably feel conflicted: how attached to be; how separated should they be? Parents have to manage their own conflicts as well as help their children manage their conflicts. Parents need to understand that conflict is ubiquitous and that we need to master conflict, not to eradicate it. Or, as Dr. Saltz says, “We need conflicts — they keep us socialized.”

For more information about Dr. Gail Saltz, visit her web site: http://www.drgailsaltz.com

For more information about the book BECOMING REAL visit:

http://www.rusoffagency.com/non_fiction/becoming_real/becoming_real.htm

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