The Bernard L. Pacella, MD Parent Child Center

“The deepest roots of maternal guilt feelings lie in the experience and handling of ambivalence.”

For all children, “My mommy” (or the primary caregiver) is the most important person in the world. She is the one who gratifies our needs, takes care of our hurts, and is our first teacher. But she is also the one who can intrude into our personal space and is the first one to limit and control us. It is only expectable that images from this powerful early relationship are emblazoned in our memories—images of an idealized Madonna-like figure existing side by side with ambivalently-filled images.

On May 9, 1914, Woodrow Wilson first proclaimed Mother’s Day to be celebrated on the second Sunday in May. In our American culture the importance of Mother’s Day came to be as universally celebrated as any holiday can be. This holiday helped perpetuate the “ heroic stature that home and motherhood enjoyed in Protestant American culture in the nineteenth century” (Reader's Companion to U.S. Women's History) .

For many people, however, the social custom of treating mothers (and mothers expecting to be treated) as if there were no ambivalence in the relationship can lead to unnecessary guilt and shame. Ambivalence in this most primal relationship is normal. Acknowledging its normality can bring us more satisfaction at this holiday.

Daniel Stern has written about the “motherhood constellation.” Soon after a woman becomes a mother several related themes emerge, allowing her to focus on her baby and her baby’s needs.

A Life-growth theme (her concern for the growth and development of her baby)
A Primary relatedness theme (her emotional engagement with her baby)
Supporting matrix theme (insuring that there is a development of support systems for her baby)
Identity reorganization theme (A transformation of her self-identity to permit and facilitate these functions)

Stern calls these four themes and their related tasks the motherhood constellation. He stresses how a mother “desires to be valued, supported, aided, taught, and appreciated by a maternal figure,” wanting a "good grandmother" to help her, to take care of her, and to validate her new status as a mother herself.

Many mothers, unfortunately, believe that to be a good mother, they have to eliminate aggression, conflict, and ambivalence towards their children. They may have difficulty accepting their or their children’s anger when their children become demanding.

Rozsika Parker suggests that the problem is not maternal ambivalence itself, but rather the guilt and anxiety that ambivalence provokes. This guilt and anxiety prevents mothers from acknowledging and accepting their ambivalent and angry feelings.

Conflicts over aggressive feelings and fantasies can have a profound impact on a mother’s sense of herself as a competent mother for her child. Erna Furman discusses how separations from the child along with the child’s increasing autonomy may be difficult for a mother who feels anxious about her anger. Conflicts about the child’s increasing autonomy and separation may become intolerable.

Some mothers believe that they should keep angry and ambivalent thoughts about their children completely out of their awareness. However, making believe that angry feelings are absent can have a detrimental impact on a mother's childrearing.

In the second year of life, the child begins to act more autonomously, doing things which may require control and limits from the parents. Therefore, conflicted interactions between mother and toddler often come to the forefront during this period of time. Mothers who cannot control their toddlers may feel incompetent as mothers, particularly in comparison to other mothers or their own mothers.

Mothers who are frightened of their own angry feelings may not be able to think of themselves as angry. As a result they may have difficulties helping their babies and toddlers master their own fears and aggressive fantasies.

Susan Kraemer describes how mothers can become frightened when, “in the emotional heat of the nursery,” they become aware of their own anger.

When mothers feel anxious about their and their children’s anger, their children also may feel anxious because they do not feel reassured that their mothers can protect them from their own normal aggression. Both mother and toddler may have difficulties with one another and a mother’s lack of decisiveness may intensify the conflicts.

Mothers are stressed even more when they have babies who are temperamentally fussier and harder to soothe. A mother of a fussy baby may feel more anxious and guilty because of the normal difficulty soothing her child. When a nanny or a grandmother (who are not anxious) can soothe the baby more easily, the anxious mother may feel even more guilty and have even greater difficulty in soothing her child.

In the Parent Child Groups at The Pacella Parent Child Center, w e help mothers understand that anger and ambivalence are universal feelings, but which are not destructive. We help mothers understand how some mothers may have to deny their anger and ambivalence, while others may become overwhelmed by those feelings because they are so frightened by them. Unquestionably, anger and ambivalence promote anxiety, guilt, and shame.

By understanding the universality of ambivalence and anger, mothers can openly acknowledge their own conflicted feelings. Mothers can then feel more in charge of their own feelings and thus, feel more competent in their mothering skills, and more effectively promote their children's development.

Conflict is ubiquitous: There is not just one right way to act towards one’s child

Very often parents become convinced that there must be just one right way to deal with their children in order to avoid all calamities. They imagine that “experts” can provide prescriptions as to how to behave. They want direct answers to their questions because they worry that they may damage their children. Mothers, like so many of us, have a difficult time tolerating conflict and appreciating that there is no one right solution to every problem.

In our approach, we try to communicate that conflict is ubiquitous and universal. W e try to help mothers understand that, in child rearing, as in all other human relationships, one never eliminates conflict—but, rather, one accepts the ubiquity of conflict and attempts to master it.

Furman, E. (1982). Mothers have to be there to be left. Psychoanalytic Study of the Child 37:15–28.

Hoffman, L. (2004). When daughter becomes mother: Inferences from multiple dyadic parent-child groups Psychoanalytic Inquiry 24(5):631-658.

Kraemer, S. (1996). “Betwixt the dark and the daylight” of maternal subjectivity: Meditations on the threshold. Psychoanalytic Dialogues 6:765–791.

Parker, R. (1995). Mother love, mother hate: The power of maternal ambivalence. New York: Basic Books.

Stern, D. (1995). The Motherhood Constellation: A Unified View of Parent-Infant Psychotherapy. NY: Basic Books.