The Bernard L. Pacella, MD Parent Child Center

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THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: MILESTONE FOR PARENTS AND CHILDREN

“Many mothers are well aware of the wrench caused by the child's becoming his own person, be it his weaning, dressing himself, entry to nursery school, leaving for summer camp or college, getting married. They feel and verbalize their pain and sadness and, since they are also happy with and proud of his achievements, experience it as a bittersweet time that still allows them to support rather than impede his growth”

Erna Furman

A new opportunity for parent and child

Going to school for the first time is a milestone in children’s and parents’ lives. It is, of course, an opportunity for development in many areas. There are new children to play with, new activities to participate in, new grownups to get to know, and new skills to master.

One important challenge during this time for both parents and children is learning how to navigate the process of separation. Many authors and educators have suggested strategies which help during these times of transition. Developing a set of daily routines, for example, is often very effective in helping the child adapt to spending more and more time away from home.

It is also valuable for parents to understand the feelings which may become stirred up in themselves and in their children during these times when the child becomes more autonomous and participates in activities away from home by him or herself. Understanding these feelings and their origin earlier in the child’s life will enable parents to be more skilled with their children.

The challenges of separation

During a child’s development, as he or she becomes more autonomous, separation reactions may occur. Some parents and children handle such separations easily while others may experience them with more difficulty. In trying to understand how mothers and children navigate these developmental phenomena the work of John Bowlby and Margaret Mahler are useful to consider. To understand issues of separation, we must look first at the process of attachment.

John Bowlby and attachment theory

John Bowlby learned from ethologists that in order to increase the odds of survival, the human species had to develop mechanisms to lower the risk of harm to its young. Thus, evolutionary pressures selected a set of behaviors in babies and mothers that would tend to keep them closely attached to one another, for nurturance and protection. For example, a baby’s cry evolved as an inborn signal for help: whether it be a signal for food, warmth, or soothing. All adults (not just mothers) have a parallel inborn response to reach out to a crying a baby. Throughout history, these innate responses in both the baby and the adult have tended to reduce the risk of harm to babies. By remaining in close proximity to adults, babies are more likely to survive, and, thus, so is our species.

Attachment has been described as “…an inborn system in the brain that evolves in ways that influence and organize motivational, emotional, and memory processes with respect to significant caregiving figures” (Siegel). Following Bowlby, many sophisticated observations have led to the development of a set of ideas known as attachment theory. The functions of the attachment system may be seen as protecting the child from various kinds of danger. Given the importance of attachment, it is not surprising that an infant who has developed an attachment could become anxious if not able to bring about the desired proximity.

Equilibrium between mother and child

In addition to needing an attachment figure, a baby also needs to “separate and individuate” and become his or her own person. From the first days of a baby’s life there is a constantly shifting equilibrium within a mother, within the child, and between the mother and child. As a result of these different balances, there is a variation of dependence and independence among mothers and children.

Many have written about the importance of integrating Bowlby’s ideas on attachment with Margaret Mahler’s on separation-individuation. As Susan Coates recently wrote, “ Mahler paid close clinical attention to inner mental states and their evolution, while Bowlby searched for behavioral correlates that could lend themselves to empirical observation and inferences about internal representations.” In other words, during development children develop psychological images of the nature of the interactions with their parents. These psychological images affect their expectations with other people.

Margaret Mahler and separation-individuation

During the second half of the first year of life a child’s muscular development allows him or her to take in the physical surroundings in a much more deliberate fashion. Between 9-12 months and through 16-18 months most children can begin to stand and then walk. This ability (of an upright stance and locomotion) leads to a great change in the mind of the infant and in the infant’s relationship to his or her mother. The toddler experiences more autonomy and joy and can feel in love with world. At the same time, conflicts can develop as the mother has to both allow the child to begin to navigate on its own as well as control the child for safety. Mahler calls this time of life the practicing phase, a period of time that has been observed as a crucial period of development by contemporary neuroscientists such as Allan Schore.

At around age two, ambivalent feelings may intensify in both mother and child, as the child experiments with assertions of independence, while at other times becomes clingy or experiences anxiety about being without his mother.

Parental reactions

Parents need to be aware that new chapters in their children’s lives may re-awaken feelings from earlier stages of their own lives. This is a normal process and part of what gives such resonance and individuality to the experience of parenthood. One’s own awareness of what is being stirred up may allow the parent to behave in ways that tend to reduce the child’s anxiety, even as he or she negotiates a transition such as starting school.

Much too often, the parents’ feelings are under-addressed by professionals. The constant changes in children’s physical and mental capacities present a challenge to parents. Parents themselves go through stages, at times desiring greater closeness with their children and at times enjoying the child’s move toward independence.

The child’s entry into nursery school may provoke a combination of feelings in parents—of loss and relief—along with excitement at the child’s new developmental steps. Parents may feel guilt at their own relief that their child needs them less.

Real school and the role of teachers

The beginning of “real” school is also significant, even if the child has attended activity programs earlier. The parent must share the role of authority to a greater degree than before. Other adults (the teachers) will begin to shape the child’s view of the world

Parents may also experience potential judgment from teachers, who have special expertise in assessing the child. In fact, teachers may be experienced as authority figures to parents in part because they evoke feelings originating from the parent’s own childhood. Both mothers and children may experience anxiety when children begin school (Galinsky and David).

A parent may also identify with a child who is starting school, forming expectations of the child’s experience that are based on the parent’s own past experiences. These expectations, which have varying degrees of similarity to the child’s actual experiences, often influence the parent's understanding of the child's school experience. . It is important for school personnel to understand that the separation is a process for both parents and children. A phase-in period is helpful for both parents and children.

Lisa Deutscher, MD

References

Coates, S. (2004) John Bowlby and Margaret S. Mahler: Their Lives and Theories. J of The American Psychoanalytic Association 52: 571-601.

Furman, E. (2001). "On Being and Having a Mother" CT: IUP.

Galinsky, E. and David, J. (1988). “The Preschool Years.” New York: Random House.

Pine, F. (2004) Mahler's Concepts of "Symbiosis" and Separation-Individualization: Revisited, Reevaluated, Refined.

J. of The American Psychoanalytic Association 52:511-533.

Schore, A. N. (1994). “Affect regulation and the origin of the self: The neurobiology of emotional development” Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.

Siegel, D. (1991) “The Developing Mind” New York: Guilford.

Our next issue of Briefings will be devoted to “Working Mothers.”

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