Home | Parent Child Groups | FAQ | Testimonials | About Us | Resources | Contact Us

Resources: Briefings Bulletins

MOTHERS WHO WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME

“In 78% of U.S. families, both parents work for pay… More than half of pregnant women stay on the job until one month before the birth of their first child, and… return to work after childbirth at a faster rate than in previous decades…. Many mothers return to work by the third month after a child's birth, and more than half of mothers return by the sixth month.”

http://careerjournal.com

Should mothers work outside the home?

Not so many years ago, women in the vanguard polemicized against those women who chose to stay at home and raise their children. Now we often hear the opposite: polemics against working mothers, who may be told that they are only taking care of themselves to the detriment of their children.

Despite the above statistics, debate continues as to the appropriateness of mothers working outside the home, particularly when they have small children. And studies do show that bias persists against those mothers (Brescoll and Uhlmann, 2005).

In fact, many tend to view mothers who do not interrupt their careers to be less committed to their children than those who do interrupt their careers and stay at home full time. Yet, women who work out of financial necessity are judged less harshly by both men and women than women who work for “personal fulfillment.” In fact, many men and many women feel that a mother should be self-sacrificing, and should not allow herself personal satisfaction, other than that obtained from motherhood.

Beyond polemics and polarization

At the same time, we need to recognize that a woman’s sense of herself reorganizes when she has a baby. This occurs whether she does or does not work outside the home, whether for financial needs or for intellectual or emotional needs. Her new focus as a mother promotes her emotional tie to the baby.

The Motherhood Constellation

The reorganization in a woman’s sense of herself as a mother to her new baby has been described by Daniel Stern as the “motherhood constellation.” Soon after a woman becomes a mother a variety of emotional states occur which allows her to focus on her baby and her baby’s needs.

In addition, Stern stresses that a mother “desires to be valued, supported, aided, taught, and appreciated by a maternal figure,” wanting a "good grandmother" to help her, to take care of her, and to validate her new status as a mother herself.

It is crucial to add that a significant number of women experience conflict and ambivalence about their sense of themselves as mothers, in contrast to a fuller sense of themselves as working women. Other women feel greater satisfaction from mothering their baby or toddler than working. Some women feel in conflict between these desires, whereas other women can balance the demands of mothering more easily with the demands of work-life.

Questions all new mothers ask

The answers, of course, are:

It depends

The same message cannot be given to all mothers. Some women are "better" moms because they are home full-time and others are "better" moms because they do work full-time. Yet, all too often, motherhood and advancement in the work-force outside the home seem to women to be two mutually exclusive domains.  But psychologically these domains need not be mutually exclusive. Each woman needs to find the balance which works for her and her family.

Whether a mother does or does not work outside of the home, all children are keenly aware of who is “My mommy” (Nachman, 1991). There are situations where someone else becomes the primary caretaker and more and more situations where daddy is the stay-at-home person. Yet, in the overwhelming majority of situations where mommy works outside the home, women feel compelled to carry out an intricate balancing act.

The complexity in women’s lives

In the twenty-first century, women's life situations are very complex. The personal challenges faced by working mothers are poignantly described by Sallye Wilkinson and a group of analysts-in-training, women with young children of their own. They describe the psychological difficulties encountered by women who need to balance their desires for productive work and gratification outside the home with their maternal role, gratifying their own needs as mothers and professionals as well as supplying the developmental needs for their young children.

Young children can easily intensify their mothers’ guilt. They can feel needy and become demanding when the mother is about to leave the house or easily turn away from her when they feel self-sufficient, despite her wish to be with them.

What should I do when I get home from work?

Doris Bernstein describes a typical dilemma for mothers who work outside the home. They are often faced with two opposing demands, such as, “I should prepare dinner for my children” and “I should work on a professional task.” Men in Western culture usually have no conflict in this area; the commitment to work is fixed and dominant. Women are more likely to experience conflict in choosing which activity to do. Much more than men, they are likely to experience guilt (no matter what their choice).There are many biological, sociological, and psychological reasons as to why, so often, mothers feel most responsible for the lives of their children.

Ambivalence and conflict is universal

Many mothers, while at work, wish they were home with their children, and while at home, wish they were back at work. Unfortunately, too often it is believed that to be a good mother, a woman has to eliminate conflict and ambivalence about her own personal wishes as well as about her feelings toward her children. Rozsika Parker suggests that the problem is not maternal ambivalence itself, but rather the guilt and anxiety that ambivalence provokes, which prevents mothers from acknowledging and accepting their ambivalence.

Feeling in charge of one’s feelings

In the Parent Child Groups at The Pacella Parent Child Center (Hoffman, Nachman, and Rosenman, In Press) we help mothers understand the universality of ambivalence and we help them acknowledge their own conflicted feelings to themselves in order to master their conflicts, rather than having to deny them or become overwhelmed by them because they are so frightening. They can feel more in charge of their own feelings and create a better balance between work and home, including insuring that their spouses participate in homemaking and child-rearing activities.

References

Bernstein, D. (1983).  The Female Superego: A Different Perspective.  In. J Psycho-Analysis 64:187-201

Brescoll, VL and Uhlmann, EL (2005).  Attitudes toward traditional and nontraditional parents. Psychology of Women Quarterly 29:436-445

Hoffman, L., Nachman, P., and Rosenman, A. (In Press) Voiced and unvoiced concerns of mothers. Zero to Three

Nachman, P. A. (1991).  The Maternal Representation—A Comparison of Caregiver- and Mother-Reared Toddlers.  Psychoanalytic Study of the Child 46:69-90

Parker, R. (1995). Mother love, mother hate: The power of maternal ambivalence. New York: Basic Books

Stern, D. (1995). The Motherhood Constellation: A Unified View of Parent-Infant Psychotherapy. NY: Basic Books

Wilkinson, S., et al  (1996). Can we be both women and analysts? JAPA 44(Suppl.):529-555

In our next issue of Briefings we will discuss how mothers have found solutions to difficult situations.

BACK to Briefings

©2008 The Bernard L. Pacella, MD Parent Child Center | webmaster@theparentchildcenter.org