The Bernard L. Pacella, MD Parent Child Center

Resources: Expert Opinion

PARENTING IN TIMES OF THREAT: The Power Of Calm Support During Times Of Stress

By Leon Hoffman, MD

We live in a time of recurrent crises: world crises, such as terrorist attacks; environmental disasters, such as tsunamis, hurricanes, floods, and earthquakes; random accidents; and killings.

Research has shown that a supportive person has a calming effect on others, rather like a tranquilizer. People who are more positive and optimistic in their outlook are able to handle stress more effectively. During times of stress, we all need support. Why was Rudolf Giuliani such a hero after 9/11? From the first moment of the crisis he was out there like a good parent, reassuring us while at the same time not denying the dangers. Think of how a young child who falls stops crying as soon as mommy says "it will be OK!"

In times of danger, children are most concerned about their own safety and the family's safety.

In times of stress and real danger, all of us (adults and children) want someone to help us and support us. During a national crisis, we want a strong leader who can protect us. In times of real danger or war, the absence of a strong supportive leader is frightening to all of us.

In times of danger, children turn towards their parents.

Children need calm supportive adults: parents, teachers, or other significant adults during times of stress. (Psychoanalysts, Anna Freud and Dorothy Burlingham, ran nurseries in London during the Blitz in World War II. Those children whose mothers or other caretakers were calm during the bombings were themselves without terror and anxiety.)

If parents are unduly anxious and frightened, it is important that they help themselves or consider getting help, so they can be more effective with their children. A parent cannot be as effective with her or his children if she or he is paralyzed with fright and anxiety. Therefore, it is crucial that parents help each other and support one another. If one is a single parent, it is helpful to engage a supportive relative or close friend.

WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?

Listen to your children; don't assume you know how they feel or what they will say
Listen to their words as well as their tone and feeling
Gentle conversation can be very calming
Allow younger children to play - this helps them master their feelings
Remember, children, especially the younger ones, are more concerned with their and their family's safety than global events (for example, if an incident occurs, it is best to start off and say, we - family - are OK and will be OK)
Reliability of parents and adults is very important: therefore make extra efforts to be reliable with your children at this time, as uncertainty about your predictability in caring for them will make them more anxious (e.g., don't be late for school pickups)
LIMIT THE AMOUNT OF TELEVISION NEWS YOU WATCH AND YOUR CHILDREN WATCH. Little children, whose sense of reality is not fully formed, may not realize that a disaster only happened once, and that repeated viewings of the scene do not mean that attacks are being repeated. During 9/11, some little children thought that new buildings were being brought down again and again

WHAT TO TALK ABOUT

Assure children of the unlikelihood of an event that would put them at risk
Assure them of the unlikelihood of anything happening to them and the family
Assure them that the authorities are working very hard to try to be sure that we all will be safe
Avoid media exposure, because it increases the sense of anxiety about potential trauma
Deal with your own anxiety, as it does impact on your child
Don't burden children with your own worries
Look for signs of anxiety: irritability, sleeplessness, nightmares, separation fears

For further information, visit The Association for Child Psychoanalyis.

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