The Bernard L. Pacella, MD Parent Child Center

Resources: Information for Professionals

Common questions and themes around issues of control

How strict do I have to be?
What happens if I don't……?
How can I be more consistent?
How do I change my mind?
How do I approach a conflict with my toddler?
How do I get my child to share?
What do I do when I get angry?

A universal phenomenon we have observed is that mothers can become very disturbed and guilt ridden whenever they feel angry.

This is a result of our experience throughout the years how virtually all mothers express concern about their children's activity level and its meaning for the child. Is the child "too" active? Does the child's activity mean that he is "too aggressive?" How do you distinguish between "normal" activity and "abnormal" aggression?

For example, all children, as they begin to explore, at first with their mouths, will, of course, bite. If a mother experiences these early attempts at exploration as an expression of an attack, a maladaptive cycle may follow.

The establishment of a cycle of aggressive interactions between mother and child may then be repeated by the child with other children. Once such a cycle has been established, a mother may view the child as potentially dangerous.

Mothers may feel angry because they feel controlled by their children. Many ask, when the child is 10 or 11 months old:

How do I teach discipline?

These questions seem to arise as the children became more active and the parents become concerned about the children's safety. However, as the children begin to object to their mothers' "No" during the second year of life, the situation intensifies. This period is a complicated one for mothers and toddlers. The toddler needs to master autonomous activities, particularly activities involving his or her own body.

The mother needs to exercise judicious control, intervening protectively, educationally, and pleasurably, while allowing the toddler maximum expression. As a result of these complicated interactions during this stage, particularly around toileting issues (manifest or symbolic) the nature of mother's anger changes, as compared with the nature of her anger when the infant was younger.

At times one can observe that continuously repeating a prohibition, like "don't kick" or "don't hit" or "don't throw things," are read by the child as powerful unconscious messages to do the prohibited activity. The inability to stop the cycle may lead the mother to feel angry with the child and herself and feel disappointment with the child. Some parents, particularly when they do not want to leave their children, feel angry when the children push them away and want to be by themselves. In other words, a mother may feel rejected by a child's wish for autonomy.

When mothers begin to talk about limit setting, they often express worries about how they are accomplishing that. Some talk about the child as needing "discipline" and others talk about experiencing a "battle of wills." Some may vacillate between extremes: either exploding or tip toeing around their children. Some have trouble understanding why they get angry and why their children "act up." Some get furious with their children who do not go to sleep easily or wake up frequently. "I'm going to Ferberize my kid" is not an uncommon phrase. Changing diapers becomes an issue for all children (at one time or other). Some don't want to be changed. In so many of these situations, mothers feel they have no control over their children.

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